Personal Journal Hand Written While Traveling the American West

~Unedited in all its glory~

Day 1 – 8/19/2014 – Waterton Canyon (0 mi.) to Bear Creek (8.6 mi.)

Our first day on the Colorado Trail started off like one of those sad moments in a movie of personal discovery.

“Your Dad is DEAD.” I can still hear my mom’s hysterical tone…

Regrets, thoughts, existence.  How short and fragile life is.

Day 2 – 8/20/2014 – Bear Creek (8.6) to camp before Raleigh Peak Rd (21.5)

I dreamt heavily of “Saudade” last night in the tent.

“Thoughts of you got me through the night”

13.5 miles with more than 3000 feet of elevation change took a toll on K. He was exhausted at the end. I’m feeling great still. My new TNF Ultra 109’s are treating my feet well.

Day 3 – 8/21/2014 – Camp before Raleigh Peak Rd (21.5) to Buffalo Creek (35.7)

Came upon an emergency water supply right before spring creek road. It was a godsend, especially for K.  He would no longer have to trade me cheese sticks for cups of my water!

Day 4 – 8/22/2014 – Buffalo Creek (35.7) to Wellington Rd then hitched to Bailey (40)

Hitched a ride into Bailey, CO in the back of a pickup truck. First time hitching!

Drove to Frisco, CO. We are sleeping in a Walmart parking lot with a bunch of other vehicle campers. They even have a porta potty in the lot for travelers!

Day 5 – (8/23/14)

We had coffee and a burrito at Abbey’s coffee in Frisco.

Now, we are on our way to Grand Junction, CO to the Rodeway Inn for our first shower in 5+ days.  Wet wipes and hand sanitizer only take a man so far…

Day 6 – (8/24/14)

We stayed 2 nights at the Rodeway Inn. We had a blast just relaxing, having some beers and going out on the town.

Day 7 – (8/25/14)

Drove of the Colorado mountains and entered the high desert elevations of Utah. We are staying at another Walmart in Cedar City, UT. It is filled with more people than the Frisco one, except no porta potty this time.

We took a quick detour into Arches National Park. Awesome, strenuous hike to the delicate arch!

Day 8 – (8/26/14)

Zion National Park!

We hiked to the 3 emerald pools, caught a bus to the Grotto bus stop and got off at the Riverside walk going to the Narrows. It was raining pretty hard. We initially came back on the bus because the rain soaked us immediately but right before it pulled away, I told K to jump out and go.

The rain had ceased some and we started our walk to the Narrows. Our plan was to hike a little ways in and experience it a bit. We left the tourist path and crossed the stream, which was about ankle deep. Besides an older couple and 2 foreign men, we were the only ones going in. Suddenly, we saw the men, who were about 100 yards in front of us, run back around the first bend in the canyon, yelling for us to get back. Tentatively I started walking back and looked over my shoulder seeing a wall of white water 4-5 feet high. Instantly I ran. Adrenaline carried me as we outran the flash flood back to the safety of the walking path.  The other people were trapped on the opposite side of the canyon for quite some time as water, logs, and debris rushed past.  The bus driver said she hadn’t ever seen a flood like that in 8 years working there.

Day 9 – (8/27/14)

I awoke around 3am last night feeling very lonely and thinking heavily of “Saudade” and the life I once led. I have a lot to improve on and think about in the coming days, weeks, months and years.

I need to work on not being so particular, judgmental, and controlling in my ways. Also, I must not have an air of superiority about me in any situation.

We are staying at an awesomely cheap hotel and casino in Mesquite, NV. It has a fantastic buffet and pool area with nice, clean rooms.

Day 10 – (8/28/14)

Drove into Las Vegas. Instantly, I am transported to a different realm…

Day 11 – (8/29/14)

We went to a strip club last night after getting a free limo ride, bottle of Grey Goose, and cover into the club, courtesy of a suited man who looked like Jean Claude Van Damme. I did not spend much and was not interested in the fake love given by the strippers.

Day 12 – (8/30/14) – I am now riding solo on this journey

Abruptly woken from one of the most amazing dreams of “Saudade” in a long while. I was house sitting for some random family. “Saudade” appeared. We caught up on things. Her phone rang but she ignored it. She alluded it was her mom and she was so over her. I told her I don’t understand her life now but I think I understand her feelings. We got to the subject of Hawaii. She said “we” should take over running this biology center there. Hearing her throw in that random” we” gave me butterflies. I told her I would do anything to make it happen – go back to school, get a degree in marine biology, essentially act like a driven adult who is actively supporting my and her goals.

I was so disappointed when K’s random alarm went off and took me away from those amazing feelings…

Before that I dreamt of looking at some physical, mythical photos of one of      M A’s birthdays. “Saudade”, me, M, K, and others I can’t remember were there. Seeing us in those photos and seeing “Saudade” and I gave me those sad but extremely happy feelings. I wish I could photocopy them from my dream to the real world.

I left Vegas early, feeling more depressed and longing for the past more and more every hour.

I am sleeping in a Walmart parking lot in Victorville, CA. It feels different and sleep is unnatural with all the sirens, loud music and homeless people close to my makeshift bed.

Day 13 – (8/31/14)

A teenage Hispanic boy helped me fix my muffler this morning at the Walmart. I was touched by his good vibes.

I am hanging around near Big Bear, CA and Lake Arrowhead, CA. The views are spectacular. I wish for someone to share this journey with. I so long for female companionship. I feel very alone but oh so free. Everyone says how jealous they are of my life and how interesting I am. I don’t feel interesting. I feel lost.

I’ve been having to tighten/fix my aluminum can muffler patch every day at least once.

I went to the Walmart near Inglewood, CA. The parking lot is designated with many spots for police cars. The crowd was ½ Hispanic, ½ Black. As security guards looked on, I entered a 3 level Walmart that would have been nice if in a different area. I instantly knew I could not stay there for the night. In the bathroom, I used a bar soap to wash my hands as a quirky, feminine Hispanic guy proceeded to go into the stall and stuff his tote bag with merchandise. I left with a new perspective on life while gaining fresh, new memories.

Instead of that Walmart, I drove 30 minutes north to a much more standard store with my now beloved, excessively huge parking lot and flood lights. It was still sketchy and weirdly multi leveled but I ended up with the best sleep of my parking lot adventures so far, only waking twice (once to shuffling feet outside my window and once to a nice security guard inquiring what I was doing) and dreaming heavily of romantic journeys and days gone by.

Day 14 – (9/1/14)

A dirtbag among the wealthy.

I am starting to feel homeless, not something I want but maybe necessary for real change.

I meet up with D and B in Los Angeles!

We went to Venice beach and enjoyed some wine at his rooftop pool. Andy Dick and one of the members of Blackstreet were there.

Day 15 – (9/2/14)

I got locked out of D’s building after I went to my car for contact accessories. Good thing I am used to sleeping in my car! The parking situation is a mess. After spending what feels like forever trying to find a spot, I decided to temporarily park, grab my stuff, and get myself away from the city. A short 48 hours taught me Los Angeles is not for me. People seemed too fake and vain.

I drove to Carpinteria, CA after stopping to check the web in Thousand Oaks. I splurged and spent $70 for a night at the Sandyland Reef Inn…fantastic decision.

Day 16 – (9/3/14) – Carpinteria, CA to Lompoc, CA

It feels weird traveling the way I am. Being a drifter requires a person live a much different existence. It’s not for everyone. It’s not even for me but this may be the only way for me to get over my heartache and heal my wounded soul.

I woke from my stay at Sandyland Reef a new rejuvenated man. I am a tale of 2 extremes – vast feelings of optimism and deep, dark depression.

I had an epiphany driving up highway 101 to Carpinteria yesterday. My happiest moments come from moving and exploring, seeing and experiencing new things. Maybe I am rebelling from my previously sheltered life. While on the CT, I enjoyed walking the most, reaching new destination and accomplishing goals. On the road, I can’t help but feel good speeding down the highway and listening to my favorite songs. I am an emotional man. Good or bad, it makes me feel alive. My mind constantly drives me to the brink of pure light and shadowy darkness.

Sitting on the beach in Carpinteria, I do feel lucky. I am able to experience all this beauty without heavily investing myself financially, only emotionally…which is better? Maybe there is no better.

~I am traveling, living out of my car, trying to find myself…Having a spiritual adventure that will hopefully show me the way.~

California seems to be a place of 2 extremes. The relaxed, laid-back vibes of the beach and the high strung, vain life of the big cities.

I found a cool little prison style gym on the beach in Carpinteria. I got a solid pull up and finger hang workout in.

El Capitan State Beach: Saw a sign for it off the freeway and stopped. The seagulls are the best beach bums around!

Im staying at a decent Walmart lot in Lompoc, CA.

Day 17 – (9/4/14) – Lompoc, CA to Paso Robles, CA

I had a confusing dream about “Saudade”. I dreamt that I dreamt that I talked to her and she asked me if I had been with anyone since her. I said yes. She said good because she had been with 2 people. That shouldn’t be a problem at all but it gave me so much anxiety. My dream self couldn’t hardly stand to live at that moment. The weird part was my dream self had only dreamt that encounter up. I am such a mess.

I’ve been starting to talk out loud to myself. I could easily see myself becoming a crazy person.

I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. The loneliness is strong. I remember I used to think I didn’t need anyone and I could isolate myself it wouldn’t affect me. How wrong I was. I so wish for a partner to share these experiences and my life with. How did I become such a hopeless romantic growing up the way I did?

In a way I am very happy with myself, with how I pulled myself away from that negative, self-centered, isolationist bubble I lived in for so long. Overall though, I have so much sadness in my life. At least Im pleased with how Ive become as a person. That is hopefully a start.

I beach bummed it up at a place in Morro Bay. I had a great time and got lots of sun.

Im staying at a fantastic Walmart lot. Good vibes, cool breeze, beautiful sunset. Walmart don’t fail me now!

Day 18 – (9/5/14) – Paso Robles, CA to Marina, CA

Did not sleep very well. I was thinking far too much of days gone by.

Went to San Simeon Beach.

I entered ocean cliff country! Big Sur is very close. The ocean is so immense and powerful. It does not care about your worries. It just is.

It seems I am the only one taking in all these beautiful sights as a solo traveler. It’s a bit sad in a way. I see all these couples enjoying themselves. I am envious.

Then I was 26…It was a very good years. It was a very good year for lifelong memories and spiritual change. When I was 26…

Im staying a Walmart in Marina, CA.

Day 19 – (9/6/14) – Marina, CA to San Francisco, CA

I drove into San Fran!

Day 20 – (9/7/14) – San Francisco, CA to Rohnert Park, CA

I had an amazing stay with Kb and his girlfriend. He has really come a long way and improved as a person.

I am staying at a Walmart in Rohnert Park.

Day 21 – (9/8/14) – Rohnert Park, CA to Windsor, CA

The quarter life crisis is real.

Carmex is one of the greatest things in life right now.

Am I crazy?

On the road, Living out of the my car, Sleeping in Walmart parking lots. I see a different side of society. The homeless with their full shopping carts, the vagabonds in decrypted RV’s, the insane who mutter to themselves in the bathrooms. Unstable we all are, ever searching – for a bed, for meaning, for relief from our minds. I note everyone from the outside of the chaos. How much would it take for me to become one of them? How much for anyone? What drives people to take their paths, to become just another shadowy figure in the night, emerging in the mornings to fulfill their daily routines. We are all creatures of routines, even those who seemingly have none still find structure.

One day I met a man in the Walmart bathroom. Outside the building, I had seen him have a conflict with a customer who he had shouted nonsense at. After coming out of the stall, he remarked cheerfully that I looked tired. I was rubbing water in my eyes after having put in my contacts. Smiling, I looked up and very briefly told him about how I was living in my car. In a childlike, half nonsensical way, he said how houses were expensive and he hopes I find one where I can get a good sleep. I offered my thanks as he left. The man was most likely a regular in this area. He had a routine, a physical routine and a routine in his mind. He was probably highly misunderstood and avoided by “normal” folks but his remarks to me demonstrated compassion and care, care that I desperately crave at times.

Im staying at a Walmart in Windsor, CA

Day 22 – (9/9/14) – Windsor, CA to Clearlake, CA

The Walmart in Clearlake, CA is the poorest area I’ve been in so far. There is a constant ebb and flow of homeless, vagabonds and drifters going from the transit bus stops to Walmart and back. I’ve been watching an old man in a motorized wheelchair zip in and out of parking spots and lanes. He is searching for aluminum cans. A veteran, with wheelchair decked in American paraphernalia, his quest continues until the sun sets. What a life he must lead.

Im staying at a Walmart in Clearlake, CA.

Day 23 – (9/10/14) – Clearlake, CA to Willits, CA

The areas around Clearlake, Ukiah and Willits are much different than the typical vision of California. Not much small town charm, just a lot of negative vibes. Then again, I didn’t experience those places nearly enough to pass any real judgments. I got a room at the Western Inn Lodge in Willits. It was definitely not the epitome of beauty but I showered, cleaned my clothes, worked out and got a lot done. I feel rejuvenated once again!

Day 24 – (9/11/14) – Willits, CA to Eureka, CA

I entered Humboldt Redwood Forest! I’ve been vigilant about reliving the past and trying to go to the exact places I went before. For now, I am unsuccessful in finding the place on the eel river with the small bridge.

I am eating at the Avenue Café in Miranda!!! I am across from the Miranda Gardens Cottages. The memories are incredible.

I’m staying at a Kmart in Eureka, CA. It is misty, eerie and full of crime ridden activities.

Day 25 – (9/12/14) – Eureka, CA to Crescent City, CA

I am reliving the past. It is super surreal going to all the places I went to with everyone before. The Curly Redwood Lodge, the mediocre seafood restaurant, the pier across from the motel, and the beach where we enjoyed the ocean many years ago. It all looks the same but everything feels different. It is very much a metaphor for my life and me as a person.

I hiked the 5.6 miles on the Boy Scout Tree Trail in Jedidiah State Park. I am beyond excited that I was able to find the trail again, a trail that held so many wonderful memories but which was clouded by my negativity. I feel I have righted a wrong in my life and replaced that negativity with positive vibes.

I am staying at a Walmart in Crescent City, CA

Day 26 – (9/13/14) – Crescent City, CA to Grants Pass, OR

It was a sleepless night, not because of a racing mind but because of the cold. For the first time, I am now forced to think about how the coming chill will affect my travels.

I am very pleased with how the footage came out from my hike of the BSTT yesterday.

Most likely, I will cross into Oregon today.

I yearn for close human contact of the personal kind.

I am staying at a Walmart in Grants Pass, OR.

Day 27 – (9/14/14) – Grants Pass, OR to Cottage Grove, OR

The amount of drifters on the west coast far outnumbers those in any other region I’ve been in, definitely much more than in Minnesota. “Drifters” refers to the stagnant older men who slowly go through their local regimes each day, the groups of angst filled youth outcasts who are quick to yell out to passersbys, and the solo travels eager for a ride to their next destinations.

I am staying at a Walmart in Cottage Grove, OR

Day 28 – (9/15/14) – Cottage Grove, OR to Lebanon, OR

I spent much of the day walking around Alton Baker Park in Eugene near the Oregon Ducks stadium. I probably did around 5 miles and feel quite accomplished.

I am staying at a Walmart in Lebanon, OR.

Day 29 – (9/16/14) – Lebanon, OR to Woodburn, OR

I dreamt of “Saudade” last night. Her profile picture on Facebook was her sticking her thumb up as a hitchhiker. She seemed happy.

I saw a sign for Honeycrisp apples while leaving Lebanon…

It hasn’t hit me that my dad is dead. It feels weird even thinking and writing that. In a way, he was dead to me already but that seemed to be a feeling that was slowly passing. I still had and still have a lot of underlying issues in regards to him and how I grew up in his household. I treated my post-adolescent years away from him a time totally free of him. The harboring of anger and dad-like behaviors affected me subconsciously. I started to blatantly show signs that I was becoming the man who created so much angst for me. The anger and controlling issues, which I have drastically improved over the past couple years, were starting to take hold. I would scare myself when I acted like that man. However, there were times when I was surprised by the funny little things that he liked that had suddenly shown themselves a part of me. I absolutely love romance and romantic ways. He clearly had a side for that, which my younger self thought uncool.

There is a mystery about his life, his personality and his deep wants. I really only know the negativity. I still constantly fight off those controlling ways that affixed themselves to my brain through no want of my own. It’s a constant battle, which is joined now by the battle to understand his being, the man that has affected me more than anyone else. Those battles join the wars between the extremes that rage in my head seemingly with no end. The powerful army of regret gained another ally. The optimists and joyful are losing ground rapidly. There seems to be fewer and fewer ways for resolution. All I want is peace.

I don’t know how to be happy. At times, it crosses my mind how easy it would be to stop all this inner turmoil but I always scare myself with those thoughts. The alternative to this reality is so uncertain and far more confusing.

I am staying a Walmart in Woodburn, OR. There is a beautiful breeze…

Day 30 – (9/17/14) – Woodburn, OR to Tigard, OR

I just remembered the greatness that was the Snuggie…that is something which is definitely linked to the past.

I just had a funny experience with a man named Huk who had also spent the night in the Walmart lot next to me. He is a 47 year old African American who was quick to point out the fact that he did not consider himself black, right before going into long ramblings about the failures of the modern society, events in history, the evils of ISIS and new Mexican immigrants, and his absolute hatred for President Obama, whom he considers a racist socialist. He was a very intelligent and quirky man with many thoughts about governmental policies, society and history. However, he is very set in his ways and thinks he has all the answers. I enjoyed our long, often one sided conversation though. The passions he brought to all his arguments are refreshing; one would have a hard time characterizing him as an uninteresting person. Huk has clearly had many unique experiences in life. I wish him the absolute best in life.

I got to A’s apartment in Tigard, OR!

Day 35 – (9/22/14) –Tigard, OR

I received an email reply from “Saudade” last night in response to my “Letter to End this Chapter”. I was sitting in A’s living room with other people. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach tied in knots as I saw the reply.

I don’t want a nice house – I want my life to look like a movie.

Going west to reinvent myself.

Day 37 – (9/24/14) –Tigard, OR

Postcard sent to my St. Paul Retail Store Family:

“Greetings Family!

I’m still alive!

Still searching.

Still very lost.

It is so easy to live on the surface and fake it through each day. So difficult to dig deep and face everything below the surface.

I am on my way up the coast, sleeping in my car, driving a couple hours a day and stopping at random places to take it all in and do some thinking. I’ve learned that living in the moment is the key to victory.”

Day 41 – (9/28/14) – Portland, OR – SOLO

I left A’s apartment in hopes of finding more freedom.

Day 42 – (9/29/14) – Portland, OR to Forest Grove, OR

I drank far too much while staying the 12 days with A. I need to be adventuring again to continue my self-improvements.

I hiked the moss, lichen and fern filled forest paths in Tualatin Nature Park ~ 2 miles.

I arrived at the Forest Grove, OR Walmart as the sun was setting. For some reason it feels great to be sleeping at a Walmart again.

Day 43 – (9/30/14) – Forest Grove, OR to Portland, OR

I dreamt of my dad – it was like I traveled back in time and knew her was going to die so I was trying to be better to him.

I also dreamt of “Saudade” very heavily. One scene, we were eating dinner at a restaurant. When it came time to leave, we were offered cheesecake. Her eyes lit up and she cooed how it looked so good. I spontaneously ordered some for us, a delicious treat with a lovely girl.

I hiked 2 miles and ran near 1 mile in the famous Forest Park in Portland. It is the biggest urban park in the country. It is more like hiking in a national park because it is so large. The main Wildwood Trail is 30 miles.

Main Diet: Mission tortillas, string cheese, ½ gallon of whole milk, trail mix…

There is a white pick-up truck with flashing lights constantly patrolling the parking lot. Is he providing security or waiting to expel peaceful overnighters like myself? I will find out tonight!

Im staying at a Walmart in Portland, OR.

Day 44 – (10/1/14) – Portland, OR to Government Camp, OR (Mt. Hood/Timberline)

I awoke at 1:30am last night to a blurry image of a white uniformed man. I took more than a moment to orientate myself, put on my glasses and roll down my window. He was the man in the patrolling white pick-up and he informed me the lot closed at 12am and I’d have to move. He was very nice though and told me of a side street just down the road that RV’ers slept frequently. Still in hazy sleep mode, I drove with my socks on and most of the time without the car lights on until I saw an RV parked. I made a quick turn and settled my disorientated self in for the rest of the night in a slightly sketchy neighborhood. I slept like a baby until the sunrise but couldn’t get back to sleep after that. I continued the day with a pounding headache.

I made the decision to drive to Mt, Hood and get out of the city. Stopping at government Camp, OR below the peak, I gathered information at the visitor center. The woman told me about free off season camping at campgrounds in national parks. Grand news!

I bought a map and drove around the area checking out a few grounds. Then I headed up the windy road up to Timberline ski resort ~6000ft. Seeing a sign for overnight parking gave me a great thrill. I would car camp in the lot. At more than a mile high with piercing winds blowing wildly, I saw the most beautiful 360 degree sunset, highlighting Mt. Hood in front and Mt Jefferson behind. Later, I crawled out of my blankets and saw every constellation in the night sky.

Day 45 – (10/2/14) – Government Camp, OR (Mt. Hood)

I woke up after a fantastic sleep bundled up tight. All the couples, families, and friends emerged from the beautiful Timberline Lodge as I emerged from my 94’ Honda Accord couple.

I hiked to Silcox Hut, the start of the real routes up to the summit of Mt. Hood. It was near 4 miles of meandering, heavy breathing, and running.

Now, I am taking advantage of the free off-season campgrounds in national parks and sleeping at Still Creek. I am living a fantastic life, such a wild ride!

Day 46 – (10/3/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

As I was cleaning and organizing my car this morning at camp, a little old lady emerged from the woods. She was wandering, searching each tree and coming towards me. I said “Hello” with a smile. She returned the greeting and without making much eye contact, told me I had mushrooms on my car. Confused, I looked at her and asked where they were and if she took them (the thought of this small woman picking mushrooms off my car as I was asleep inside made me uneasy). She looked at me blankly and said “You took them”. Even more confused now and with a slight laugh, I said I didn’t take anything. She walked to my open trunk, peered inside, then quickly walked off, muttering “ Don’t be smart”. She disappeared in the trees; my mind instantly thought of the start of a horror movie.

I hung around camp today, reading, listening to podcasts, working out, and exploring for the start of the barlow trail referenced on my map.

One small speck in existence:  Breaking out my 35 degree TNF sleeping bag will hopefully keep me more warm tonight. The darkness of the woods is almost suffocating. Shadows slowly creep in until only black remains. Nothing can be seen; there is a void of light. A person can feel very alone in the night woods. There is a strong sense of solitude and understanding that nature goes through its cycles and lives its life without concern.

Day 47 – (10/4/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek) to Portland, OR

Life on the road is very uncertain. One must embrace, not fight it. Humans are creatures of habit and structure. This life goes against those inherent traits.

Day 48 – (10/5/14) – Portland, OR to Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

I went out downtown Portland last night for a birthday. I made out with a random girl at the club…

I traveled back to the Mt. Hood area and staying again at still creek.

Day 49 – (10/6/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

I had a crazy dream last night. The setting was the U of MN campus and later the western canyon deserts and finally a large western city. We found out all woman had turned into succubi creatures that would become demonic and swallow a man’s soul if anyone spoke out loud. We would see groups of people wandering around semi normal but with an eerie vibe. If someone spoke, all the woman would focus on him and start closing in for the kill. Throughout this whole journey, I thought of how I wished my mom and “Saudade” were not one of these creatures. 2% of the woman were thought to be immune so that gave me slim hope. After passing through a canyon on a city bus, we entered the large sketchy city. There were Hispanic gang members standing on the sidewalks holding guns. I kept my silenced auto 22 rifle down and by head low. In an instant, I saw “Saudade” on the sidewalk ahead. I knew I shouldn’t speak to her but I had to. Tentatively “”Saudade”?”. Her eyes lit up, “Jared!” We hugged and my eyes watered as I was overcome with emotion. I had my girl back ; we would survive together. However, even my dreams don’t want me to have her. After a group of Hispanic gang members stole my gun, one turned around at the last second and in slow motion, shot and killed “Saudade”, who was sitting on the sidewalk. I howled with anguish, sadness, and rage. In an instant, she was gone again, never to return and leaving me with only that brief moment of pure joy.

I hiked south along the dirt roads from still creek. There and back ~9 miles.

Day 50 – (10/7/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

I hiked from still along highway 26 to Mirror Lake trail. Strenuous uphill hike to the lake, tranquility beside the shore, much deserved pizza, fries, and ½ gallon whole milk from Govy General, then rejuvenation from the cold stream on my tired feet back at car camp. ~10miles.

Day 51 – (10/8/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

It is so difficult to dream of “Saudade” all the time. She is a physical feature of my subconscious. I wake up in the dark after a scene with her. I long to return. Quickly slipping back to sleep again, I find her a part of my life again. When the morning comes, I try to remain in the post sleep groggy state in order to reflect on what we had done together without reality disturbing us. The dream world slips away and I emerge into real life. I survey my surroundings and am surprised that this reality feels like I’m living a dream…

In my dream, I recall wanting to explain to “Saudade” the accident my dad had. In previous dreams, he had suffered 2 accidents. In the new dream, there was only one but I couldn’t remember which was the true accident. I woke up this morning in my car still very confused which was the correct one. After a few moments of thinking, I remembered neither was true. His fate was actually much worse. My dream dad had survived the accident(s); my real life dad had not.

Day 52 – (10/9/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek)

I hiked the Barlow trail to east and west Summit trail then to Govy general and back. ~5 miles.

Day 53 – (10/10/14) – Government Camp, OR (Still Creek) to Portland, OR

I finished listening to Slaughterhouse Five in a marathon session over the past day.

I am going to check out a potential living space for me to settle in Portland.

Day 55 – (10/12/14) – Portland, OR

I spent the weekend hanging with A, drinking beers, playing video games and chilling at his apartment.

Day 56 – (10/13/14) – Portland, OR (New Home)

I moved into my new place in SE Portland! It is now time to start the next stage of life while still warding off insanity.